If I had a million dollars

I once read that Michael Jordan never wears the same pair of sneakers twice. If I had a million dollars I would do something similar. But, not with Nike shoes but with underwear. I recently was treated to a new 6-pack of Fruit of the Loom (mid-rise). It felt so good to slip into a new drawers with a waistband that actually had elasticity. To be covered by something lacking holes. I wish I could have that experience everyday.

Upon receiving my new briefs I pulled out a dental shade chart and selected the underwear that would be retired to the garbage. The dingiest were the first to go. My goal in the coming months is to replace all my old pairs.

Alas, I do not suffer from some Horatio Alger fantasy. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a million dollars. I think I'm gonna opt for the next option. I need to get Hanes to sponsor me. I need to become the poster boy for Fruit of the Loom. Sure I may have to do some revealing publicity shots of me in the product but it would be a small price to pay to wake up everyday and be greeted by unadulterated cotton briefs.

But how to get sponsored? I have the personality of a mime. I'll look to Jared Fogel for inspiration. He is currently writing a new book describing how an average unappealing Joe like himself has become a corporate icon for nothing at all.