2005 - Looking Back

I take this time to look back at the previous year. It was some wild ride and a year to remember.

I have been "in the truth" since I was born into this world but this was the year that I came to have the truth within me. (2 John 1:2) Possessing the purity of the truth not simply as something I was born into but something that I received as a gift from the Lord. And it has been such a delightful experience having the spirit reside within me. (1 Corinthians 3:16) Sometimes it feels like it is simply too much for this body to bear. Something glorious and electric that wants to explode out of me at times. My skin is but a thin piece of paper and that which dwells within me is a singularity of pure goodness.

2004 was a year of confusion - a big black hole - and a crisis of faith however with God's help I was able to dig myself out of there. In 2005 He took me as his own through adoption. (Romans 8:15) Can I describe what that feels like? The shock and awe gives way to most wonderful hug imaginable.

Technically I always believed in God, more or less. But He was never real to me - never really, real. Now in retrospect I can picture him standing by my side my entire life - patiently and lovingly waiting on me. This, even when I would go weeks, months, years at a time without giving Him any thought. I truly appreciate these last months of getting to know Him better. My Father is good and I love Him.

This year I have tried to quit lying. I'm still a liar as that is the sinful condition of EVERY man. (Romans 3:4) But I'm trying to tell the truth more often - starting with being honest with myself and my Father in Heaven. What a liar I've been - I've ignored things and pretended like they didn't exist. I never ackowledged things openly before God. I recognized that He sees everything - even the darkest corners of our heart - yet I wanted to go about pretending like these shameful things didn't exist. Now whenever they come in my mind I immediately acknowledge them to my Father and beg for forgiveness and relief through Jesus. And it has made a big difference!

"Keep on asking it will be given you; keep on seeking, and you will find; keep on knocking and it will be opened up to YOU." (Matthew 6:7) I tested that scripture out a lot this past year. In fact I've spent a lot of time testing a lot of things. (2 Corinthians 13:5) The difficult thing has been when I knock and Jehovah opens the door a little bit for me - I've gotten scared of what I saw behind. I'm reminded of what Jesus told his Apostles, "I have many things yet to say to YOU, but you are not able to bear them at present." (John 15:16)

But as much as I have been able I've tried to be brave and keep my eyes open - even when sometimes they desperately wanted to shut. I will say that now, sitting here, I am probably less sure about theological things then I have ever been in my life. But I do know this: There is one God, the creator of the entire Universe, who loves us dearly. He loved us so much that he gave up the most precious thing to him in order to prove his love and redeem us back to Him - His son Jesus. (John 3:16)

It seems funny to be typing that. Even a two year old knows about God and His Son. I suppose that I'm a slow learner. But this past year I've come to realise that I've spent a lot of time "taking in knowledge of" but never really coming to "know" God or His Son. As the scripture says "Now this is eternal life – that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you sent." (John 17:3, NETS)

So even though I admit that I don't know much it was in 2005 that I finally came to know God and Jesus, just a little bit - who really can know the depths of God? (Job 38 - 41) However even with this little bit I'm content that is quite enough to save me. In fact, for the first time in my life I'm confident in my salvation. Even when I was a 16-year-old pioneer, ministerial servant I always had a niggling fear that if Armaggeddon was to suddenly break out that I wouldn't make it. Now I'm nothing in the congregation - sometimes even looked down upon - yet I know that my Father values me greatly. (Matthew 10:29-31) And really, honestly that is enough.

This past year too I've found myself relieved of fear save for the fear of God. The consequence of growing in love is the diminishing of fear. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love throws fear outside." (1 John 4:18) Jesus told us that we have no need to fear those who can only kill us. (Luke 12:4) Part of our Christian heritage is being able to suffer all evil even up to the point of our death. (Philippians 3:10) Doing so we conquer the world. (Revelation 12:11)

Now I recognize that not many people read my blog. But for those few this past year who have let me know that my little ramblings have somehow offered them some measure of encouragement I'm really grateful. I love you. Conversely, I'm also aware that some who read this are at odds with me and are seemingly bent on persecuting me. What can I say? I'm not scared. What can I say? "What you are doing get done more quickly." What else can I say? I love you too.

Now what about 2006?

I walked into the Kingdom Hall this morning and glanced up at the new year text installed the night before.

"We must obey God as ruler rather than men." Acts 5:29

I instantly had a good feeling - now this is a year text to rally behind. Let's see how it goes.

My love to all, particularly my Heavenly Father. I can't thank you enough for what you have done for me.